Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Biological and Adopted

Apparently its true, Angeline Jolie is pregnant. She is already a mother to two children she adopted but this is her first biological child. More fascinating to me than the whole "its Brad Pitt's child!" is my fascination of how will things change now that she will also have a child of her own gene pool compared to these other lovely children.

Since childhood I've wanted to adopt a child myself. Though I want to adopt, I also want my own children. Herein lies the question I've always had. Can you love your biological and adoptive children equally? I have ALWAYS thought the answer was: ofcourse. But people question my ironclad belief by saying that it's impossible to treat both the same and that I only feel strongly about this equal treatment/love thing because I do not yet have children. I still think I wouldn't differentiate between the two because they are children and I love children and though they came not of me, they are now a part of me.

So mentally I'm compromising. Maybe I will sponsor a child in another country for now... and then maybe once I have my own children and they are older, adopt. I just can't imagine loving two children differently or treating them differently. But perhaps that's my naiveness sticking out like a sore thumb .

Do you have any opinions on this? Has anyone adopted and had their own children or were the adopted or biological child in such a family? I'd love to hear what your thoughts, experiences are on this.

22 comments:

mystic-soul said...

From my life experience 80% of love grow out of day to day love and interaction with your kid.

I think, on bigger canvas, it DOES NOT MATTER your child is your own genes or adopted. Adopted kid let you die with a great sense of satisfaction that you made difference to one life. Seeing your own child growing is gratifying but its more personal and a bit egoist.

And its person to person, how they get treated...you can write whole book on it but I think its not 100% but 200% worthed adopting a kid. And your own kid will grow with a bigger sense of understanding, giving and sharing, and it means a lot.

Tee said...

Aisha - I have heard of many families with adopted and biological children and they were all treated and loved the same. But human beings are complex and I'm sure this isn't always the case... After all, some mothers play favorites amongst even all their biological children.

Here is an essay by the biological sibling of an adoptive child detailing some of the issues they deal with.

Here is an article written by a mother who is honest about her feelings/actions towards her biological and adopted sons.

Here is an interview with a panel of adopted children, now grown.

ASH said...

Having gone through the seminars and taken the first steps towards adopting a child. We hope to pursue it to it's conclusion but we have stepped back for a short period while we watch my wife's health. I love my son, but I know with a certainty that I can love another child with the totality of my being regardless of who went through labor to bring that child into the world. A person who favors their biological child over a chile that is just as much theirs but doesn't have their genes is someone who takes their own family and it's destiny and legacy too seriously.

I hope to adopt soon.

rehtwo said...

Aisha,
I know that you know that I'm adopted, and that I have two brothers. One of these brothers is my parents' biological child (and the middle kid, lucky him...) I never thought that they loved us "differently". Sure, they loved us each in their own way, but we are different children -- why should they treat us all exactly the same when we are all unique individuals? This doesn't mean that they love one of us more or less than another. I think a lot of this has to do with your mindset -- I know plenty of parents who clearly favor one of their biological children over another biological child.

I am curious. Are these people who say that it is impossible for one to treat both children the same people who have actually adopted? Or is this just their mindset and reason for why they don't adopt? I feel, from what I've observed, that adoption used to be a method of "last resort" when building a family -- i.e. it was what a couple did when they had fertility problems. However, I am now a part of an adoption group at school and there are many couples who have adopted without even trying to have a biological child. I think the times are changing. I know this perhaps won't answer questions you're looking for. If you would like to, drop me an email (address is on my blog), and I could put you in touch with my own mother to get her perspective.

Jane said...

I know that I could definately love an adopted child as much as my two biological kids. No matter what way they come to me they would still be my children. One of my biological children was planned, the other a total shock. I don't love one more than the other because of that. Jd is adopted from overseas and is racially different from the rest of his immediate family, aside from one other adopted sister. He tells me that he was never treated any differently nor did he feel less loved. He was just one of the kids. We plan to adopt someday or at least have foster children.

Sobia said...

I don't know about mothers, but as a sister with an adopted sibling and biological siblings, I can say there is no difference in the way you love them.

Champ - Love Hound said...

Ofcourse, I believe everyone is on different level of Decision makin'. (2)two factors help us make Decisions,
1.Faith/Religion
2.Social Background / Educational Background

In this case, if both senses tell someone that they can do it then they should. If not then No try.

Personaly, I feel no differance among kids. They 're full of Joy 'n' Innocent Love.

God bless you.....

momyblogR said...

As you know I have two...I gave birth to both of them. I love them both with a love that is so strong and unconditional that I can't even explain it. Why? Because the are MY children, just as ANY child would be mine. I honestly believe that I could take and child no matter the race, color, religious back ground and love them like the two I already have. Why? You said it...because they are children and all children what and need the same thing, LOVE. My goodness, how could you not do it.

In my opinion, and you know I have one, lol! The person who is questioning your ability to do such a thing may be a bit narrow minded.

Your instinct that is telling you that you can did it is right! Don't question your ability, I really believe you know exactly what you are wanting to do and what you are capable of.

My GAWD, you are furthest thing from naive there is.

Aisha said...

Hey everyone thanks for all your opinions on this subject and tee you are awesome i can't wait to check those links out this weekend.

I was curious what your opinions were b/c surprisingly most of the people I know are not very pro adoption basing their arguments as I outlined in this post. I was wondering if I just happened to know people like this or if their view was the majority view on adoption. I'm glad to see that it seems (from a very non scientific analysis) most people agree with me. One can love their child no matter how they came into their life. It means a lot because a lot of you have experiences with this and can truly testify. Rehtwo no, these people have never adopted who are against it.. they say that they are against adopting for that reason.

Thanks for your insights.

Aisha said...

Oh and also I am not planning to adopt anytime soon.... I'm still in school and adoption is very expensive particulary intenational adoption as Ash has educated me on through learning about his experiences. But God willing when I am in a position to do so its my greatest dream to have that opportunity.

Emory said...

My younger sister has traveled twice to the Ukraine to do missionary work in the orphanges of Kiev. She has two children, and I am sure that one day she will adopt.

Can we love children of a different biology? Of course we can, as Mommyblgr said, love is love.

Although I am equally sure that some are incapable of love, whether a child is of like biology or not.

say what? said...

hey, sorry for a late Eid greet :) but hey its eid greet (A)

anyhoo, i liek the topic you chose. its interesting and the comments give a different look :)

my ten cents contribution is that it would not matter to me but it also depends on person to person.

Mia said...

Like you I plan to adopt a child in addition to having a biological one as well. I wrote out a really long response to this post based on personal experience but decided it would be better if I posted it in my blog. I didn’t want to monopolize the space here….lol

indscribe said...

Why most of the actors wear goggles almost all the time?

mezba said...

When you say adopt do you mean sponsor? Like Child Vision? or are you going to bring the child home and become their legal guardian/providor etc.?

I would personally not do either at this stage. But I think anyone who wants to be fair can be fair, but inwards a person will always feel for their 'real' child more. Also I am against adoption where the kid's real parents' identity are hidden from him/her and the child becomes like their own family. This is not right, no one should lose their own heritage/lineage.

Well you wanted a different opinion :-) !

Hasan the Not-So-Great said...

remember...http://irw.org/orphans!

Aisha said...

Emory good point. some can hardly love their own. its a people thing not a gene/non gene thing I think.

VOX: belated eid mubarak:) Is Eid funner in Pakistan? I bet its unlike anything I've experienced.

Mia, thanks for your detailed reflection. I enjoyed it!

Indiscribe: Welcome! I dont know why they do :) They look cool ?

Mezba I meant adoption not sponsoring. Thanks for the other perspective, its the point of view I've heard. I never thought it could be true... but b/c so many people ar eso vehement it makes me wonder that maybe it can be true. But again it depend on the person. I know I fall in love with many children I teach. I care deeply and still think about them to this day. They're not my gene poool but I love them. Who knows.

Hasan thanks for the link!!! :)

Shabina said...

I would definitely consider adoption in the future. Allah (SWT) loves the orphan child, and all that jazz, no?

I actually tried to write about Muslim adoption back when I was at the WSJ, and the need for Islamic scholars to come to a consensus on issues like mahram and inheritance, but there simply weren't enough people willing to talk. iA I'll give it a shot for the Freep...

roora said...

maybe you will love some of your children more than the one you adopted a bit but whatis more important that there will be no change in treatments..that is the concern.
the adoption problem actually sounds to me that the boy you will adopt when he grows up he will not be mahram for you nd the same for a girl to your husband.

But other than that in terms of feelings, I think when you raise up kid since he/she is a baby you can't control yourself from loving her/him so much and will feel that he/she is your child.

Perri said...

I have given birth to 3 children. I have adopted 3 children. I love them all. They ARE my family and when I am asked "are any of them real brothers and sister?", then I reply, "Yes, that is what adoption does, it makes a family." When someone asks me which of my children are adopted, I just smile and say "I forget." And in my heart - speaking from my experience - my adopted children are gifts, not only from God, but from their birth parents who turned them over to the foster care system for adoption, rather than neglect, abuse or murder them.

Aisha said...

Perri, bless you for doing that! That is so heartwarming to hear that you adopted three children and have three of your own. And what a great response, "I forget" :) They are so lucky to have you in their life. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Jennifer said...

My husband and I plan on adopting from another country at some point (or perhaps just from a poor region of the US.) I don't think we would love an adopted child any less than our biological child (children soon!)

I think the idea of sponsoring a child is a wonderful idea...we sponsor a little girl in India through a women's organization...I even got to meet her in person when we visited.

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