First, thank you so much for all of you who called, e-mailed, and i.m'ed wishing me luck on this dream job. Some of you did not even know what it was, and yet you believed in me. You dont know how much it helped me as I walked into the interviews.
Speaking of which, interviews are over. It felt intimidating to sit at the head of a table as five attorneys with impressive backgrounds grilled me on every point I made. I hid my intimidation well. Though some of their questions shook me, I was determined the smile would not leave and even if my answer would have to be "I do not know. I am an imbecile." it would be said with self assured poise. (which I never said!)
I can explain a little more of dream job now that interviews have wrapped up and there is nothing left to do but to wait and the competition is also doing as me- waiting. I created a project from scratch, mine is designed to help low income chronically ill children with their access to education. I pitch this idea to a fellowship organization. They read the proposals and pick the X amount they think have promise and send them off to sponsor law firms who will fund the project. The firms pick three of their favorite proposals and invite the drafters in for interviews. Mine was selected by two.
This was a big deal for my school because I'm the first to be selected for an interview. Many people have high hopes for me to get this. Though I gave it my all, there is no guaruntee. Infact, for several reasons I now have a sinking feeling I may in fact not have gotten it. At least I did the best I could though. If I dont get it, I will be sad. very sad. Going to my analogy of my being a starry eyed suitor for "dream job"... I guess I'm at the stage where the girl has agreed to marry the guy but only if her parents and two big overbearing brothers named Hugo and Marcus with heavy duty mustaches and matching red and white striped shirts love him too.
As I roll it over in my mind, and fight the sinking feeling that I may not have gotten it. I can't help but wonder what to try for next. I have a few ideas but the amount of love and emotion I put into this project... to not get it... maybe now you can understand why I may feel a tad broken hearted if I fail. Then just as I was typing this post, Will and Grace was playing faintly in the background. I just happen to look up as this scene unfolds: Grace is asking Will why he only left her $300 in his will and he says when he wrote it he was a broke law student and it was all he had. I had to share the conversation they have:
WILL: I tried to rewrite that will so many times. Every time I sit down to make a list of everything I have, I just feel like I have nothing.
GRACE: Will, you've got everything. You've got your health, friends, family. You just made partner. And most importantly of all, you still have all your hair.
WILL: It's just, the guy I am now is not the guy I was hoping to be when I wrote that will in law school.
GRACE: Oh, come on.
WILL: No, I'm serious. I-I never thought I'd be just another corporate lawyer with a lot of stuff. I wanted to accomplish... more.
GRACE: Will, you are young. Whatever it is you want to accomplish in your life, there is still plenty of time to do it.
Perhaps some of the meaning it held is lost in the written word, but that scene stopped me in my tracks. It meant something to me. Its things like this, small minute things, that keep my faith going. That tell me to not lose faith, that there is plenty of time left to find another avenue should this avenue not be open for me. Some of you may read that dialogue and think I'm looney to find some meaning in that exchange. But for it to come on a day that I am feeling as I am- I can't help but think its more than just a coincidence.