Saturday, December 16, 2006

Depression

An overwhelming unsatiable desire for nothing. A vice upon the heart slowly compressing. Knowing to pass Monday's exam you must study, but lacking adrenaline, anxiety, joy, sadness. I'd explain the feeling but there's nothing to describe. The stripping of emotion leaves a blank canvas I'm too tired to paint. You tell me I'm not going, the next day I am. Then right back around. You've taken my emotions, fashioned them into a yo-yo, and wreaked havoc upon my heart. In time the bruises will heal, but if we go I pray the numbness wears, because at Hajj, I long to feel.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

:(

Saadia said...

I understand what you are saying. Its hard for me too when I have a lot of tasks to do but what I really want to do is to related to my emotions and their intensity. And its really hard when you've gone through a lot of dissapointment, and a feeling like not only did someone pull the rug from your feet, but so did the cosmos. I think you expressed it well here. I hope in this context this otherwise commmon advice won't be so trite: 1: Have faith. Maybe there is a bigger reason for all this which is beyond your own plans. 2: Just pray because that's the primary activity in hajj anyways and you can do that anywhere 3: Take some time for yourself. Its hard to study when you are going through all this and its hard for me to also go through a bunch of chores and tasks when I have something going on inside.

Saadia said...

And consider this: Maybe the happy conclusion isn't that you will get to go, maybe its that you won't and maybe for now its better.

mystic-soul said...

What about a 'chai ka cup' with movie from netflix....
or long drive....
or sitting at glass window of coffee shop, just watching people...
or listening to fav. songs on bed with lights off

Kuch to ho......

mystic-soul said...

From Paulo Coelho's 'Maktub'......

The master says: If you must cry, cry like a child.

You were once a child, and one of the first things you learned in life was to cry, because crying is a part of life. Never forget that you are free, and that to show your emotions is not shameful. Scream, sob loudly, make as much noise as you like. Because that is how children cry, and they know the fastest way to put their hearts at ease.

Have you ever noticed how children stop crying? They stop because something distracts them. Something calls them to the next adventure. Children stop crying very quickly. And that's how it will be for you. But only if you can cry as children do.

koonj said...

You're depressed, aisha. It's okay to be depressed. As mystic-soul says, let yourself cry.

Anonymous said...

i feel you. sort of. i mean, i dont have the added disappointment of not going to hajj, but i feel your tension/worry over finals, and to add hajj worries on top of that must be really tough. i'm sorry babe. inshaAllah things will look up soon.

Baraka said...

Salaam dear Aisha,

Let it all out and just breathe.

It's hard to be in the moment, especially when it's a bad one, but this too shall pass.

And remember, we're here for you always.

Lots of love, duas, & hugs!

Aisha said...

Thanks everyone. I'm not normally a depressed down person for such a long time. I mean we all have our ups and downs... this is just tough. But I'm remembering my blessings, thanks for listening.

mystic-soul said...

Oh chal kuriye koi gal nai...ja chai ley aain !!

roora said...

Aisha ..cheer up!

Everything is a preplan by God and what is meant to be happens. If it didnt happen that you go to haj this year...then God wants you ISA to come in another time.

there is a prayer that is usually said when you loose something that was precious for you , i will write it to you but in aabic " written in english letters".

"ena lelah waa ena elayh rageoon , Allahom Ajerny fee mosebty waa akhlefny Khayran menha"

it is a prayer that the prophet (PBUH) taught us to say when we loose things ..it means like everything returns back to God and we ask God to compensate us in our loss and compenstaes us by what is better

Baji said...

Take time to let yourself feel this sadness with a good lifetime movie and cry or time in the tub. Let it out, let it take over you for a moment, it's okay. Not until you reach one end, can you fully feel the joy of coming back to the other end.

William Smith said...

Very sorry to read of your depession. This is particularly difficult when it comes from someone who has provided me with so much humor, compassion, thoughfulness, and intellectual support. I don't know much about hajj but it is enough for me to know tat it is so important to you, you have spent so much effort in your attempts to go, and despite being such an extremely deserving person of a few of lifes graces, you have so far been disappointed. Perhasp this is an additional test for you, that I don't know. Perhaps there is some higher reason for your frustrtion. Again, unknown. I won't say have faith, I know you already possess it in abundance. I can only say that my heart goes out to you and I hope that everything turns out OK. I will say that I wish you the best of fortunes with your exam(s). Take heart in some of the comments I have read here, Bajj and Roora's are of particular worthiness, I note. You have the well wishes of many, and that's worth a fortune in karmic balance. Mine is but one more.

Saadia said...

Hey I had a noteworthy comment too! And I like mystic-soul's "chai ka cup" comment. I don't remember the comment but it was funny to hear "chai ka cup" with movie from netflix.

Anonymous said...

~Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you, never gonna something something and desert youuuuuuuu~

Aisha, 80's music makes everything better.

Actually, can you email me your address. I'd like to send you something yaar.

Something that applies to me as well.. "For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness *is* the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one."
-souza

I know its a bit cheesy, Aisha. But i thought of you when I read it in a cardshop today (50% off yaar, i had to buy SOMETHING!)...

actually i JUST bought it 30 seconds ago. so it was meant for you.

So, here's my two cents. In the form of some classic 80's.

You can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind, but if your friends dont dance and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine.

Dance Aisha. Cause a dance as if you were in Mecca is just as valid of a dance right now where you are sitting.

And girl, their ain't nothing wrong with chair dancing.

*dances in his chair and lipsynchs the lipsynching milli vanilli*

-HijabMan.com

Tee said...

Must be something in the water. Your words describe my heart today.

If misery loves company, can I come in for a cup of chai?

Anonymous said...

Hugs, Hugs and more Hugs. :)

Is it wrong to just go to a beach or mountain of choice if Hajj doesn't work out?

You will be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

For something bizzare, but suitable for an office space fan i refer you to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_lNheQpA5k

Anonymous said...

you've been tagged. might make you feel a bit better. cheer up!

Aisha said...

reading the comments I couldn't help but smile... :)

Roora I've heard that dua but not in this context, that is a nice way to look at it. Thanks :) *hug*

Baji, exams end today so insh'allah I will follow your suggestion, thanks :)

William, I am lucky to have people that care. thank you.

Saadia, lol :) agreed, you are most always insightful, and I agree with your assesment on the situation. Everone assumes that going is the end result but that is not necessarily the best thing. Hajj is a big obligation and if it will be done under dubious situations then maybe its better not even to go....

Hijab Man: That was all on a card???? lol. You were probably joking around with the dancing in Makkah versus here, but there is certainly truth to that. People always call the Kabbah God' shouse, and though it is a sacred place God is everywhere and He is even with me at this moment :) I can't tell if you're joking about the card or not, but it made me laugh, so again, thanks :)

Tee, im sorry to hear. email me if you need to talk..

Nermeen, thanks dear, I think well go to Orlando where my folks.... :)

Zak- ahhh that was awesome, simply fabulous! 've seen other recuts before but this one was much better

Que Sera Sera, will do insh'allah :) I think ive done that one before but i've been tagged twice for this one so maybe you're all trying to tell me something, that you 'are all trying to figure out why aisha is so strange :) I shall comply soon insh'allah, its a good change of pace from the way i've been feeling.

koonj said...

feel better?

khonika said...

I can imagine how much you're hurting. But you have to have faith in Allah.
Insh'allah you can try to go to Hajj again next year!

mystic-soul said...

you see how many ppl love you. Are not you blessed?

shaz said...

glad you're feeling better!! see... the darkness doesn't last, right Knooj! :)

I added your blog to nisaa, finally! yeh! see... that's some more good news. be well.
shaz.

suroor said...

You OK now?

Aisha said...

Koonj, Suroor, thanks for asking, slowly but surely.

Mystic yes I'm fortunate!

Shaz, awesome, I love your website Shaz.

Lawrence of Arabia said...

congrats on getting through exams. you must be feeling very relieved, even if disappointed about hajj.

best wishes. hope you get some time to relax.

LoA.

Um Ibrahim said...

Salaam,

Just found your blog,like it alot, hope you r feeling better,Tazo doesn't have anything for depression?;)

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