I knew I had to post a new entry when hits came pouring in from search terms such as "My life is over" "the worst type of depression" "the single greatest failure of my life" Yikes. If you arrived via that route, please click here.
It's final. We're not going to Hajj. We planned for this year since we got married. We picked the group by July. I spent hours on the phone today trying to find another agency but everything is booked. I'm coming to terms with it but the hardest part is taming the "what if" monster lurking about. Regret gets me nowhere. It wasn't meant to be this year. If it was, I'd be boarding a plane on Thursday.
Thanks to Tracy, Adnan, Rizwana and others who helped me prepare. Thanks to all who commented and showed your support during a particularly down time. Some comments made me laugh out loud, but all made me smile. Slowly I'm feeling better. It's uphill to the top but I've begun the climb.
In an effort to cheer up, I'm adopting the "fake it till you make it" mentality. Que Sera, and Baraka tagged me to share 6 weird things about myself. I did this a year ago, but there are plenty more weird things, plus, I dont know how odd last year's weird stuff was, it was interesting but not full out weird. So try two:
1. Before I open a can of soda I tap the sides. I think it pops the air bubbles waiting to explode in my face should the can have been shaken during the vending process. I found a whole discussion about it so maybe its not weird, but I feel weird doing it because I never see anyone else doing it too.
2. I smell my food before I eat it. I think by taking in the aroma you get to truly enjoy the food. And if its unfamiliar food you know what to expect before you take your first bite. I thought I was subtle but Kashif noticed a few months into our marriage. He considers the habit very endearing, but undoubtedly weird.
3. I always talk in my sleep. In Punjabi. This is odd because I speak English most of the time but according to Kashif I dream in Punjabi and am typically conversing with my mother. I also give hugs and kick people in my sleep. So I'm told.
4. At night I check under my car before I get in. Urban legends affect me.
5. I must chew gum when taking an exam. My first year teaching my school shared research that gum chewed while taking an exam relieves stress and increases concentration. I'll never forget the looks on my 7 year old students faces on exam day when they saw a carton of bubble gum just for them. I swear by it.
6. I watch Judge Judy. Phew it feels better letting that out. If I'm home and it's on, I can't look away. I must watch. Now that I'm in law school I tell myself its ok because I try predicting her decisions. But the watching predates law school. And its not just me, the other day talking to my brother about an issue he proceeded to give me legal advice by relying on "People's Court" I guess its genetic.