Eid Mubarak

I pray this Eid is fulfilling for you, surrounded by loved ones and loving- and for those at Hajj, may they remain safe, reaching the spiritual ascent they desire. Ameen

2006: Year in Review

I was going to do my year in review but figured why not do it through a link or two? My blog is a place my thoughts are bared, so let's see the things I went out and shared. If you're new to the blog you might not have read these, if you're a regular reader you'll appreciate the cheese. So here's a year in review filled with links and a cheesy rhyme, it looks really dumb yet it took so much time! (January is missing because there wasn't much, but here's a post that did slightly touch)

February
Weighed in on the fury of the Danish Cartoons. Witnessed two desis acting like loons. Stated the things that bother me most. Met Madiha-a heartbreaking host. Spoke of how words can cut sharp like a knife. And reflected on Kashif, the love of my life.

March
Changed the way my bloggie blog looks and blathered about on my fondness for books. Spoke about immigrants and the baggage they bring. and wrote about desis and their issues with skin. (And who can forget the flaming chicken?)

April
Wondered which way to live life was right. And struggled to stay awake for a long study night. Thought of the people less fortunate than I And discussed my last name and the reason why. (and of course of my friends- the overseas wives)

May was Brazil and Brazil forevermore. And June was the same as readers thought NO MORE! July had Brazil just one time more with a rant on 911 operators, who eat Cheeto's for sure.

August
Wrote of exactly what arranged marriage are. And my thoughts on desi bling at this point so far. Pondered the issue of desis and divorce. with a random aside on muslim stereotypes, ofcouse.

September
Wrote on the wisdom of regifting with grace. while dealing with police who were very unsafe. (and accepting another birthday with hopefully grace)

October
This was the month I proved the strength of my armor as I bravely battled birds, coin thieves and a dishwasher.

November
I had to bemoan the filth on television. and felt deep thoughts in the midst of stagnation. Looked at the duniya and thought out loud. while giving advice for the movie going crowd.

December
Spoke out proudly on my Rage against tea. And found out this year Hajj wasn't for me...

So that is in sum, my year in review
you may roll your eyes, but it took a long time to do!
For the most part this year was particularly great
Here's to a great 2007, and insh'allah 2008.

Meme

I knew I had to post a new entry when hits came pouring in from search terms such as "My life is over" "the worst type of depression" "the single greatest failure of my life" Yikes. If you arrived via that route, please click here.

It's final. We're not going to Hajj. We planned for this year since we got married. We picked the group by July. I spent hours on the phone today trying to find another agency but everything is booked. I'm coming to terms with it but the hardest part is taming the "what if" monster lurking about. Regret gets me nowhere. It wasn't meant to be this year. If it was, I'd be boarding a plane on Thursday.

Thanks to Tracy, Adnan, Rizwana and others who helped me prepare. Thanks to all who commented and showed your support during a particularly down time. Some comments made me laugh out loud, but all made me smile. Slowly I'm feeling better. It's uphill to the top but I've begun the climb.

In an effort to cheer up, I'm adopting the "fake it till you make it" mentality. Que Sera, and Baraka tagged me to share 6 weird things about myself. I did this a year ago, but there are plenty more weird things, plus, I dont know how odd last year's weird stuff was, it was interesting but not full out weird. So try two:

1. Before I open a can of soda I tap the sides. I think it pops the air bubbles waiting to explode in my face should the can have been shaken during the vending process. I found a whole discussion about it so maybe its not weird, but I feel weird doing it because I never see anyone else doing it too.

2. I smell my food before I eat it. I think by taking in the aroma you get to truly enjoy the food. And if its unfamiliar food you know what to expect before you take your first bite. I thought I was subtle but Kashif noticed a few months into our marriage. He considers the habit very endearing, but undoubtedly weird.

3. I always talk in my sleep. In Punjabi. This is odd because I speak English most of the time but according to Kashif I dream in Punjabi and am typically conversing with my mother. I also give hugs and kick people in my sleep. So I'm told.

4. At night I check under my car before I get in. Urban legends affect me.

5. I must chew gum when taking an exam. My first year teaching my school shared research that gum chewed while taking an exam relieves stress and increases concentration. I'll never forget the looks on my 7 year old students faces on exam day when they saw a carton of bubble gum just for them. I swear by it.

6. I watch Judge Judy. Phew it feels better letting that out. If I'm home and it's on, I can't look away. I must watch. Now that I'm in law school I tell myself its ok because I try predicting her decisions. But the watching predates law school. And its not just me, the other day talking to my brother about an issue he proceeded to give me legal advice by relying on "People's Court" I guess its genetic.

Depression

An overwhelming unsatiable desire for nothing. A vice upon the heart slowly compressing. Knowing to pass Monday's exam you must study, but lacking adrenaline, anxiety, joy, sadness. I'd explain the feeling but there's nothing to describe. The stripping of emotion leaves a blank canvas I'm too tired to paint. You tell me I'm not going, the next day I am. Then right back around. You've taken my emotions, fashioned them into a yo-yo, and wreaked havoc upon my heart. In time the bruises will heal, but if we go I pray the numbness wears, because at Hajj, I long to feel.

Sadness is a wall between two gardens- Khalil Gibran

Every day for three weeks we call the travel agent to find out if we are going to Hajj. Every day when we were lucky enough to reach someone they promised us that tomorrow we will find out. Two weeks of tomorrow promises later we get an email that a few people got visas and their names are attached- but there is no attachment. We write, we call, we wait. But the lines went silent. No e-mails, no calls, voice mail full.

Today I woke up and my first thought was "In a week I might be going to Hajj" I run down to check my email. nothing. I run to check my voice mail. nothing. I call all six numbers. nothing. In frustration I call. hang up. dial again. and repeat until I finally reach a person who tells me that they cannot help me and will call me later. I summoned all my patience and pleaded. This is my pillar in Islam that you are handling. No one is telling us anything. Send a mass email to all 200 waiting or call us individually. Tell us "we don't know", tell us "yes" tell us "no" but tell us something because the silence as we wait to find out is maddening.

She took pity upon me and transferred me to the lady herself. She began telling me she did not know and we must have faith and will find out soon. I ask her: Are our names on the list of recently accepted visas? She is quiet for a moment, and then says no. She begins to speak again about needing to get off the phone because she is very busy but I interrupt her, You've been doing this for fifteen years. You know how this works. Please tell us honestly, are we going to Hajj this year." Silence again. Then I hear a sigh "No. I do not think you are going to Hajj this year" She then promises she will discuss this in more detail in two days and hangs up the phone.

At least there is an answer right. I thought I'd feel better once I knew but I don't. The house seems darker, the silence seems quieter, and salty tears are beginning to form as the realization sinks in. You might tell me "Its God's will" yes it is, I don't deny it. "If it was meant to be it will" Amen to this. "This means you were not ready" Perhaps so. I am not angry with God. I am not doubting His plan. But I am sad and I feel disappointment and deep regret wondering why we didn't go with a different agency.

The bitterest disappointment has been dealing with those who toyed with our hearts. Who took on more than they should. Who did not let us know when they were well aware of the situation. Who reprimanded us when we asked about our status implying that if we had faith we would not ask such questions. Telling us they would call or email with an update and never doing so. I wont' get into the fraud aspect of the story, I pray they will do the right thing, but if not they will have to answer for what they did.

Someone is bound to tell me that I shouldn't have written this. I shouldn't complain about Hajj. Hajj involves patience. I dont deny the latter but I feel am rightfully disappointed. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was a business man known even by those who did not accept him as a Prophet to be an honest man. You should not have to be extra careful when dealing with "your own" if "your own" are supposed to be trying to follow in the steps of the man we say is "our own" greatest role model. Those who do not deal fairly with their fellow man no matter what faith should be accountable. It is only through speaking about it and taking action that this sort of thing can be prevented from happening again.

The world in which we live

Evidence was exhausting but its done. Papers still piling and one more exam to go, but I need a break. It's been a while since I posted links and articles of interest. Thoughts?

US Air wants Delta: I love Delta. I despise US Air. Even if they had $50 fares to Fiji I wouldn't fly with them again. If US Air buys Delta then the creepy crawlies might have their way with Delta. DONT SUCCUMB TO THE DARK SIDE DELTA!

Secret Letters from Iraq: Huda linked this a while ago, its a powerful letter from a US soldier about his experiences. A snippet: The Most Profound Man in Iraq: an unidentified farmer in a fairly remote area who after being asked by Reconnaissance Marines if he'd seen any foreign fighters in the area replied "Yes, you."

An experiment on bigotry: A radio host exposes the bigotry lying not so quietly beneath the surface. The radio hosts advocated Muslims be treated the way Jews were right before the halocaust and recieved an influx of enthusiastic calls. Chilling. ** Courtesy of baby brother: Link with audio here.

Hot House Flowers, a kid's book by a Judge on the ills of illegal immigration. Maybe I did one too many SAT analogies in highschool but his analogy is bad. The moral of the story is that the pretty flowers should demand the dandelions be plucked and destroyed. Whatever your views on illegal immigration, the book is kinda icky.

Keith Ellison gets heat for wanting to swear to the Quran? If others can use the Bible for their photo op, why can't he use the Quran? What saddens me is when I googled this issue I found articles titled "Ellison's loyalty questioned" and other articles in respected newspapers and magazines implying he's a threat to the nation. I'm not linking those because I do not want to promote them. But its sad.

Wanting babies like themselves, some parents choose genetic defects Some are going this route to ensure having a child with a disability. The article focuses on the parent's perspective about wanting their children to be like them, but what about the best interest of the child? It reminded me of Jurrasic Park: your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should. Do you have a different perspective? Maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture.

Pro-Anorexia website? I saw an episode on Boston Legal where they talked about this but seeing the website and entries... I felt horrified. Girls asking for support to fast for five days to reach goal weights of 90 pounds. Their argument is anorexia is a lifestyle that should be respected. So should coke habits be supported as an alternative lifestyle? But so many of these girls are so young, like 15. They share advice on how to fool their parents into thinking they're not anorexic. I dont know.

Spite Club: Fighting with your Wife. I love MSN for having a "mens corner" where they advise men on various topics including how to deal with marital conflicts. Its adorable and true and the advice could be heeded by both genders.

Serenity Now

To the left you see the virtual equivalent to the current state of mind of yours truly. Add to it Hajj frustration. And the utter lack of chocolate in this house and you have a very unhappy camper (minus camping)

Years ago my dad and I listened to Zig Ziggler, a motivational speaker describe being stuck at the airport after a long week away from his family. He encountered rude people, missed his flight, the next one cancelled due to snow, and a 12 hour airport stay. His response: That's Fantastic. Ofcourse he did not feel that way but he ascribed to the "fake it till you make it" school of thought and decided not to react but instead respond to the situation. So instead of reacting by bemoaning the negative he responded by being grateful for the positive: namely, that that the powers that be caught the dangerous weather condition before they took off, that he was in a warm and toasty airport with plenty of coffee and could finish a book he had and work on some writing he'd been meaning to catch up on. His point was simple yet crucial: If he chose to be upset and complain and cry his circumstance would not change. By the end of it Ziggy (if I can be so familiar) was satisfied and content with his situation.

He's right. Why grumble over what you cannot change? So in honor of you Ziggy, let me think of the good:

1. True I don't know if I'm going to Hajj. True I may not know until two days before. But who doesn't like surprises? Okay, I hate surprises but still... surprises can be fun right? How exciting!!

2. Yes I hate studying. Yes I have to study. Yes I would rather watch paint dry than look at one more hearsay hypothetical but I'm so lucky it will be over soon. I am lucky to be in my last year and I am so lucky I was able to find abundant study aides to assist in that which I am incompetent.

3. Yes I proscratinated an hour away watching Mean Girls on TBS instead of reviewing my practice exam but that one hour is now forever gone and besides, Mean Girls is funny and at least I had a comfy couch to sit on, and eyes to see with and chai with which to drink as I took a "well deserved break"

4. Yes I could really do with some chocolate right now. Yes I am a chocolate aficiando grateful for chocolate of all shapes color and sizes. And yes there is no chocolate, not even chocolate syrup in the house. But I'm grateful that if the desire was unbearable there is a Walgreens within jogging distance containing all the chocolatey goodness I could ever hope for. And besides this helps me finally start the diet which is eternally set to begin "tomorrow"

5. Yes there is an owl hooting in my backyard. Yes for some reason birds are drawn to my house and find quiet joy in driving me nutty. In the morning they chirp right by my window. At night they hoot me out of peace of mind. Hmm.. how about, at least they wake me up at a reaonable hour so I don't sleep in too late and keep me up at night so I can make sure to get maximum studying done?

Feeling better already...

Hajj Questions

Are you, or someone you know going to Hajj? Do they have a visa? By which I mean the travel agency said "yep you got a visa" NOT do they have physical possession of the visa. Have you or someone you know been denied a visa? Does anyone know what it means if your agency isnt on the approved travel agency list for the Saudi Embassy? Our agency isn't but they take people each year. Insight appreciated.

Lonely? Tazo will come through for you!

I am under a lot of stress these days for various reasons resulting in my pacing more than is necessary and consuming massive amounts of chocolate. Today as the evening progressed I found that I couldn't sleep and couldn't study so I decided to clean the kitchen. As I putter about I see a free sample of tazo chamomile tea. Tazo and its attempt to be all "new age" despite the fact that it and I both know that it is infact nothing but a big heartless corporation posing annoys me. As a tea aficiando I do not smile fondly upon people who attempt silly slogans to pimp tea.

Case in point: As I debate whether I should try it I read the back which promises me that a single cup of Tazo has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off. You know you've been in law school too long when before you even shudder at the cheesiness of it all you search for fine print disclaiming such a stupid sentence or at least providing citations towards quantitative proof verifying their bold assertion. Still, it was free tea, and though somewhat of a tea snob, I am desi and free chai is free chai no matter how silly the producers of said chai may be.

Alas I wish I had not brewed as long as I had for as I waited I had the misforune of seeing the very bottom lines on the bag:


Yes, you read correctly, it encourages you to contact them if you have comments, observations or simply want a bit of human contact. I will not even address the fact that they ask you to allow two weeks of this lifetime for a response. Do people actually write for simply a bit of human contact?

Dearest Tazo,

Wassup? N2M here! Its totally cool to get some human contact. I like cats, chips, and coco puffs. I also like bubble gum but only if its extra bubblilicious. Anywayz, write back soon!

Love ya lots!!
XOXOX

Aisha

Seriously Tazo, it's not as cute as you think. Though grudgingly I admit their chamomile tea is pretty good. But am I willing to give up my self respect to drink more? Jury's out on this one.

Ten random thoughts because writing papers has fried my brain

1. If you choose to sign up for three paper classes don't start working on them the week before they're due.

2. If you need to bulk up your paper without adding additional words it is perfectly fine to switch your font from times new roman to Courier New. (It added eight pages)

3. Should you urgently need information about gay adoption in Florida (you can't) or Dowry murder in India (all too often you unfortunately can) or the manner in which soy is destroying the Amazon I am an unwilling expert in all areas.

4. Turkey sausage contains pork.You'd think they'd put that somewhere outside the teeny tiny last ingredient on the back of the box? What if one was allergic to pork? Don't plain M&M's have warnings that say "may contain trace amounts of peanuts?" Shouldn't one who took the extra step to buy turkey sausage be told there may be trace amounts of pork?!

5. If your Hajj agency decides to overbook so you still dont have a visa and you may not get one you must conclude of all the things in the world that are meant to be, if you're not going to go to Hajj through no fault of your own, its just not meant to be.

6. I finally saw My Cousin Vinny after my Evidence professor made references to it all semester and the entire class laughed and I'd sort of smile with a vacant expression unsure what was so funny until Amanda said "Who has never seen this movie." Which left me feeling quite pop-culture-ally-deprived so Kashif bought it for me for $4 on Black Friday and I just saw it I and think I like it so much it might be up there with Office Space. Might.

7. Last night I studied until 5am. I went to sleep. I woke up and I could see everything so clearly. I accidentally slept in my contacts. I never sleep in contacts because a) I have dry eyes b)I only recently started wearing them again and c) my mom told me scary stories when I first got them about how they can slip into your brain and get stuck. These are dailies. I left them on all the next day. Can I make a habit of this?

8. A friend made a statement about blogging I disagree with. One of these days when I have time to form a coherent thought I will address it in a post. So if I am not addressing it in this post, why am I mentioning it at all? Good point but please refer to title of post.

9. Tomorrow I get x-rayed to find out if my foot is still broke. I've been bad to my foot. If my foot could talk it would seek therapy and demand a trial seperation. I admit it, I have not cared for it as it deserves. Here's hoping its fine.

10. Once I finish law school and pass the bar I will go to the movies once a week and sleep in on Saturday and Sunday and read Captain Underpants. Its lofty goals such as these that make depressing days sitting on the couch in one spot for eight hours writing just half of one paper... bearable.

11. Should you desire to become verbose on your blog follow these simple steps: 1) enroll in law school 2) wait until exams are days away 3) inspiration shall naturally strike.

12. Why are there twelve entries when I promised you would only have to endure ten? Please see latter half of title of post. It's fried. Through and through.