Tuesday, October 23, 2007

On the importance of trampolines

There are wives who wake up one morning, the closet empty, the suitcase gone because he's gone without a trace.

There are children who awake to a father alone in a darkened room. His head in his hands. The car, and half the bank account, gone without a trace.

This isn't that. But- without a trace, I too lost someone I cared for. But unlike family, this was not one who had obligation to me. It was a relationship borne and bred of choice and the meeting of minds which retained free will.

Its a strange anti-gravity feeling to watch what you thought would last the course of a lifetime mysteriously and inexplicably ripped away. And the rip leaves a tear, and the tear leaves a scar, and the scar hurts. It just does.

You see, I reached that level of trust in those "trust games". You know, the one where you elevate, close your eyes and with arms folded fall backwards into the arms of those below, those who promise to catch you as you free fall down. I have a really hard time doing that. I know that those who promise to catch can just as easily fold their arms and watch as I free fall to the concrete floor.

Despite this knowledge, this time I decided to float and thus crashed upon the concrete floor. But can you really fault those with no obligation to you? Who stood arms outstretched by choice and nothing more binding than that? Because the choice to stand with arms outstretched was inextricably woven with the choice to walk away. So really who do you fault? The one who had simply a choice, or you, upon whom the obligation lay to protect yourself and to carry trampolines, just incase?

I'm not sure why a face once warm is now cold and blank as though the face of a stranger. I suppose better now than later when the pain I feel now would only hurt tenfold ten years later. I can't lie, it does hurt. Because I loved this person, like family, in an obligation sort of way. I forgot that it never was that. That it was always a choice. And now a choice has been made and though this choice is not mine, I must accept it. I know that though it hurts like hell, I know I will heal, and I know I will remember to always carry trampolines to catch my foolish falls.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Aisha..

I hope everything is well with you...

Allah tum ko apni aman main rakhe...

Ameen

Mystic

Sobia said...

Aisha, I'm sorry for whatever happened.

Thinking of you, sobia

Tee said...

What's that saying? Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? ... I always thought that saying stinks.

{{HUGS}}

Why anyone would give up a friendship with you is beyond my understanding. You are one of the most wonderful people I've never met. If this person wants to switch geography so I can have the honor of being close enough to spend time with you, I would.

youngMuslimah said...

that person is at loss to part ways with you! oh, and thanks for that looong email..if it were anyone else, they wouldn't have bothered, but you did even though it was me whowas at fault.

Anonymous said...

Hope your trampoline works well. You have great perspective even in tough times.

-SD

Huda said...

It's hers. Of course it's hers. Opening up and putting away the trampoline is part of having a really good, deep, involved friendship... and for someone to cavalierly throw that away says everything about them and nothing at all about you.

Jane said...

Sorry you are hurting, my dear. Unfortunately it is a cold hard fact of life that we will all face hurt and disappointment at the hands' of others. I'm still your friend and you know how to reach me whenever you need me.

Sadia said...

Are you talking about Nadia?

Aisha said...

Mystic, thank you so much. i got your email. I will reply tomorrow. thank you though.

Sobia your thoughts lift me up, thanks *hug*

Tee- you're so kind... Its a befuddling situation and one that really hurts. Its a relationship I was around on a daily basis and so its sudden removal is deeply felt.

YM, thanks for your words

SD.. thanks.. sometimes it doesnt feel like it but its nice for you to say.

Huda- thanks *hug* you are right.. but part me of feels bad to feel so bad... almost like I should have known better. I'm surprised at how sad its made me.

Jane, thanks.. I know you understand what I'm going through.

Sadia, no

youngMuslimah said...

you don't have to stoop down to her level.

" It is not right for a man to abandon his brother for more than three days". ( Bukhari, Muslim )

hope your feeling better!

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