Because thinking is good

On the flight to Michigan this past weekend I saw a guy wearing a really cool t-shirt that said in large bold letters: THINK! Its not illegal-yet. It made me smile and after pondering why I hadn't been born a 60's flower power child when such t-shirts were common place and bell bottoms were cool.. I thought of Al Gore's new book, the Assault on Reason, which talks about where the emphasis on using ones reason went... Ofcourse others have voiced similar observations but if Gore is on the bandwagon that means that it'll get talked about and maybe it'll get thought about too. Then I thought of Hijabman's recent post on the media which has been my gripe for some time too so his post, Gore's book, finding a stash of Noam Chomsky articles... and ofcourse, random dude with the cool shirt gives me hope that though there'll be a sizeable population that'll call in sick because Sanjaya got booted off American Idol (Its sizeable if its even two people folks, and yes, there were four in my area who called in sick the Thursday following his boot) at least there is hope for thoughts, and thinking. Maybe it'll catch on and become trendy and maybe MTV will d0 a show on it between Sweet 16 and Real World Season 3,213, and then maybe, just maybe, more thoughts will kabloom like dandelions!

Mandatory Disclaimer: If perchance you took to your bed after Sanjaya was booted off I dont mean to say you don't think. Ofcourse you think, you're reading this, and getting absolutely furious at my gall, and that requires thinking. Just because you watch Sweet 16, or Real World doesn't mean you don't think. I have been known to flip through, land and watch them myself and Ugly Betty rocks and I won't apologize for that. The thinking I refer to is critical thinking and analytical reasoning and it would be nice if it was encouraged more than it is. I'm not saying one can't reason and analyze while simultaneously indulging in some mindless television, all I'm saying is I think critical thinking and logical reasoning is important, its not being done enough, and I'm glad its being talked about. That's all.

Drifting continents... and friendships

If the firm land underneath our feet was once firmly attached to every other continent in the world, and if continents can shift, and drift apart until the distance creates strangers, old worlds and new worlds... why does it surprise anyone when people drift apart as well?

I remember stepping out after Hurricane Andrew swirled over our heads as we hovered in a barricaded hallway and carefully stepping over shards of glass and sifting through the debris for something, anything, that could be salvaged. As tears welled up, my father softly said "all these things are things... replaceable... as long as we have each other everything will be okay" This has remained my one truth. True relationships are worth more than all the gold in the world. Gold can't hug you when you had a bad day, nor does money drop by with cake when they heard your good news. Material things can fill certain voids but not the ones nestled deepest within our hearts.

But just as Andrew affirmed relationships some were destroyed as well. Lessons learned 14 years ago are why I feel quite cautious towards new friendships and why the friendships that prevail I cherish deeply and why I grieve when friendships that at times were my shade on hot sunny days come to an end whether painfully like a sharp wound to the flesh, or whether gradually, almost casually through time, and circumstance, dissipating like vapor on a foggy night, evasive and beyond reach.

Relationships that don't end through a sudden severance but rather slowly through time and circumstance, dissipating bit by bit until the flame which became ember is nothing but cold ashy gray have surprised me with the sadness that follows. How can one be sad about a thing where no one is to blame? Life happens. Things change. People change. Its impossible for all relationships to stand the course of time. But why must circumstances change? Why must people change? Why must I change?

At the core it comes down to who I am. I'm the one who loathes confrontations and detests change. But life moves on, time drifts onwards, and things, and people change. I'm okay moving forward but at times when encountering those who were once dear friends, with whom conversation once flowed easily but now results in stilted dialogue and awkward pauses... where these same people now talk of other friends, and other circles and loops they are now a part of... an emptiness echos in my heart. Recently a friend in an awkward moment where a gathering I wasn't invited to was inadvertently discussed at length said, "well there are many loops now, you have your own ones as well" Its true, but to be the odd one out at the loops you yourself once circled, loops and circles that continue at full steam, without you, as you somehow got off track... you can't help but feel a sadness for which there is no real resolution but moving forward and moving onwards and accepting that changing loops are a part of life.

ABCD

ABCD: American born confused desi. A hybrid with roots in the US and roots in the motherland.

In Brazil, while shopping with a group of students one student, Raj, a desi, approached me with a pensive look upon his face. "I just had to ask" he said in a hesitant voice as I sifted through beaded necklaces and looked curiously at him "How are you... so normal" Why do I wear jeans to the beach... or sniff my food before I eat it.. those questions I could understand... but the sincere question of the cause for my normalcy threw me off completely. We spoke of the struggle of the ABCD, the struggle to be a part of the country one is born in, and the guilt and overwhelming sense of obligation to not forget where we came from because it is undeniable that it is also who we are. The struggle to balance the two can be difficult particularly when seemingly innocuous things to one culture can be wildly offensive in another... balance can feel at times a struggle worthy of Olympic gold. Raj said he'd never met an ABCD who wasnt either sitting in a corner with prayer beads, or hanging from a chandelier in a bar punch drunk. It was why he stayed away from desis... the internal quest for identity and its resulting manifestations was entirely too exhausting for him. Though everyone who reflects struggles with identity, for ABCD's the struggle is often a tangible and painful question. Who am I? Is not just just an abstract existential hypothetical but a real and painful question... and the Namesake explores just that. The quest for normalcy, or as close to it that ABCDs can achieve.

Though it was 9pm when I read the email from Tee with a link to the Namesake trailer, the 30 second snippet broke my heart in two and I knew I had to watch it. I found it playing in 30 minutes in a cinema 30 miles from our house, ran upstairs beseeched K and high tailed it to the theatre. Watching the movie.. there were moments I felt frozen in my seat, exposed, as though someone displayed my life for the world to see. Its a vulnerable feeling to see your soul bared without your consent. Namesake was about me and the countless others like me who despite our different circumstances went through the same internal struggles for identity, so eerily similar.

Namesake captured the quest for identity... of being proud of your name and then at moments cringing when the substitute teacher stands confused squinting at the page wondering how to pronounce the strange words before him... of admiring your shalwar kamiz and then the awkward moment when you see your non-desi friends giggle at your bright red dubatta and green churidar pajama. Namesake captured the awkward attempts we make to balance coalescing universes.

But more than the hybrid child's struggle, the movie captured heartbreakingly the struggle of our parents as they adjust to a new world and raise hybrid children who try as they might they can never fully understand. Despite their greatest efforts we belong to two lands, one familiar and one constantly, imperceptibly beyond reach. Watching the Namesake I couldn't help but wonder, did my mother feel that isolation when she first arrived? Sitting alone in an empty home writing back home of material things she now possessed but keeping her longing for her extended family deep within her heart? Did she struggle for language? To assimilate? To adapt while struggling ever so dearly to cling to what she knew and who she undeniably is? Namesake breaks your heart as it forces us to look at our lives through our parent's eyes... of their struggles to understand these creatures they gave birth to, these children whose needs and wants they once fully understood, and who now they look to longingly... these strange creatures with eyes like theirs... but accents unfamiliar.... hybrids with one foot on familiar desh... and another on lands they will never know with the familiarity their children possess.

In its essence the film is a tribute to parents, all parents, and the sacrifices they make, and the struggle that hybrid children face in finding an identity and how the true solution to identity is perhaps accepting yourself as you are, and letting go of the labels we try to affix upon ourselves.

Greetings earthlings...

Contrary to popular belief, I haven't dropped off the face of the planet to join a fabulous alien commune three galaxies over, I really am around, but just been:

1. Dealing with an adolescent like computer which no longer has volume and decides just as I'm about to "send" "post" or "upload" to go bye bye.

2. Purchasing an external hard drive for said bratty computer to transfer files and reformat my computer.

3. Discovering that aforementioned bratty computer must have gotten advice from the mafia on being thug and has now in its insolent manner frightened the external hard drive into refusing to transfer all my files which I actually really need.

4. Attending bar review courses and studying the material from said courses in overcrowded Starbucks which I despise because the coffee is lacking and the tables are tiny and the space is limited but am forced to do because its the only place near campus where I can consume beverages without hiding them in an overcoat.

5. Deep cleaning various areas of the house in a very inefficient manner since it seems each room takes approximately 6-8 hours to get through and though my bathroom and linen closet are sparkly clean, the rest of the house still looks like Hurricane Loopy left just minutes ago. And why won't my bathtub floor look sparkly white? Its quite frustrating and why I spent approximately 3.5 hours focused solely on that: bleach, scrubbing bubbles, Ajax, you name it- zip!

6. Laying lawn fabric on the flower bed so we don't have to play "battle of the weeds IV" (Weeds? undefeated champions) and then having the bright idea to lay mulch instead of pine straw on the bed and completely underestimating the amount needed resulting in three trips to home depot and said flower bed still only 1/4 complete.

7. Going out of town every weekend to visit family, play with admittedly cute nephews, and attend weddings which while enjoyable interfere with situations #4 and #5.

8. Making to do lists and planning to make to do lists which I hope will organize all the things to do which are so many and so onerous that I have yet to make the actual list. However when said list does finalize, I intend to list all things already done because isn't half the point of a to do list to cross it out and feel as though, that though you didn't get to all of your list, you did at least cross out: brush teeth, wash face, change PJs which means you certainly didn't spend the day doing nothing, certaily not.

9. Listening to Ray LaMontagne every chance I get while driving, cleaning, or passed out on the couch. He rocks!

10. Making grand plans to sit down and blog with various topics in mind but when finally sitting down with bratty computer who has joined in alliance with my weeds, dishwasher, and Norm, to taunt me relentlessly, results in me giving up before I begin because I'm afraid all words will never see the light of monitor. Part of me is considering leaving blogging all together.. perhaps on this three year anniversary my computer is telling me that the time to end has come.. all things must come to an end after all.... but despite that part of me, there is another part that wants to wait just a little while longer. We'll see...

On empty homes and full hearts...

For three years I looked forward to last weekend. I remember lazy summer evenings at Cafe Istanbul picturing my graduation lunch and the house packed full of people and my family watching me graduate. These were the thoughts that kept me going, and kept me from quitting when at times I desperately wanted to. Law school was optional. A career change that surprised many close to me, and in some ways, myself. Because it was optional, an additional degree, it was doubly difficult to fight off the nagging doubts about my choice, and doubly difficult at times to not burst into tears when others chided me on my choice. Thats why this JD is more than a degree to me, its me letting myself know that I can do it despite me not believing in me at times. It tells me that it has been done, and that there is more to be done, and that inshallah more is indeed possible.

Thursday as the first guest arrived I felt a sense of sadness because I knew just like that the weekend I anticipated for three years, would fly by- and it did. Though its nice to sleep in a bed and not my living room floor, the house seems strangely quiet, as though it too feels slightly lonely.

And to my friends, please know your kind words, messages, comments and gifts have warmed my heart and made me feel blessed beyond measure. Friendship is a precious privilege. Family, good or bad, are the relationships we must endure. But friendships- friendships are a delicious choice, and true friendships are the creme brulee in the feast of life. There was a time I felt I'd never find such qualities again in friends- its for that reason that I feel truly blessed and I thank you for being you. I hope I can be the same sort of friend to you.

Ahem, for all those rolling their eyes and/or giggling at my sappy-iosity. Please forgive me but come on, I'm entitled to a tad bit of sappiness in light of all the whining I have put you all through, no? Oh yeah, thanks for putting up with that too! :)

Random Stuff

Hello blog. It's me. I know I haven't been there like I normally am. But don't lose faith, I can be the blogger you want me to be! I know I've been sporadic lately and VERY bad about commenting on your blogs but part of the reason is because my computer, in keeping with tradition decided to go loca luna on me just as exams began and proceeded to erase all my bookmarks just because it felt like it. Maybe it felt neglected too. So if you read me regularly I probably read you too.. please comment so I can redo my bookmarks. I miss y'all!

Since law school finished its been busy busy, we just got in late last night from an amazing cabin trip with some friends, now I'm getting the house ready for a flurry of guests coming in for the graduation. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone but getting the house in order is a flurry riddled event for sure. As soon as everyone leaves, I start attending daily bar review courses and the learning fun (sarcasm I promise) continues all the way till' August 10!

Because my fellowship begins in September, I will have a few weeks before it begins to take a vacation. K and I are planning one last big vacation. We want to go overseas and we want to go somewhere fun. Hopefully two countries. Right now we're debating between Spain/Morocco or Italy/Greece. Anyone been to these? Anyone recommend a great vacation destination?

I close with some pictures, hoping this will make up for the random sporadic manner in which I've been blogging. I'll probably come back up for some bloggy air as soon as the familia leave next Tuesday and I promise to post a few grad pictures!

Closing a chapter

Law School is over. Its unbelievable. I went to law school. Now I am done. I can still remember getting the envelope in the mail with my acceptance. The dinner at Woodfire Grill when we discussed part-time or full-time. I remember going part-time. And though I met beautiful children who blessed my life that year, I remember struggling that year. Waking up at 6am and coming home at 10pm and all too brief weekends stuffed in the office poring over books and choking back tears wondering if this was all worth it. I remember begging for permission to go full-time, and then taking 18 credits a semester from then on to catch up and gradute- now.

I will not miss poring over textbooks, I will not miss outlining, I will not miss surfing for hours as I find myself constantly distracted, I will not miss the anxiety before exams...

and yet...

I will miss... poring over textbooks.... outlining... surfing while distracted.... anxiety over exams..

As the proctor announced time was up today. And I turned in my exam book for the last time, I was surprised with the simplicity of the end. All these years that at times weighed like a dark cloud taunting me, and yet at times shaded me with rays of hope..... just like that, are over.

They say that it flies by, and when you're done you look back and wonder where the time went. That's not the case with me. I know where the time went, and a few hours after my last exam the struggles are still fresh in my memory...

But to know that I didn't give up when I desperately wanted to... and to know that I did what I honestly believed I couldn't...

I wish the me today could have told the me three years ago "It will be okay. It will be worth it"

Because it is.

Playing Trump

In honor of the fact that today is my very last law school exam EVER (insh'allah) thought I'd share some of the ways I was encouraged as I struggled through law school such as this particular discussion I fondly refer to as "Playing Trump"

Auntie with a wrinkled nose and troubled expression (AWNTE): So beta, you are in law school?
Me: Yes
AWNTE: Girls should do more domestic things you know, like teaching.
Me: I was a teacher, I taught second grade.
AWNTE: tsk tsk. So beta vy didnt you get your education degree? That vould make more sense nah?
Me: I did. You have to have a degree to teach Auntie.
AWNTE: *silence* Vell, vy didn't you get a masters? Hmm? In teaching? That vood make more sense beta... really.
Me: Auntie, I have a Masters in Elementary Education.
AWNTE: *silence* Hmm.. acha.... so you dont vant to help children anymore, hmmm?
ME: I'm still helping kids Auntie. My job will be representing sick underprivileged kids having trouble in school.
AWNTE: Vell played child, Vell played indeed.

Note: the last line is purely fictional, but it is what I imagine she wished to say instead of silently walking away quite confused at a put down gone wrong. For the record, Auntie with the wrinkled nose and troubled expression did not congratulate me on winning the game of Trump. I took what we call, creative license with the last line.

Top Ten Peeves- Travel Edition

Brazil is almost a one year old memory. Time flies fast. One of my fondest memories is the walkable city that was. All my needs be it gym, groceries or beach were all minutes away. All too often as I sit in miserable mind numbing traffic I can't help but miss not having to fill up gas, or stop and go on the interstate. I live in a city ranked one of the worst traffic cities in the country. People from LA pity me people! So do I have traffic peeves? You bet I do! Here are my top ten peeves, part II, in no particular order.

1. Stay within the line: I know there's a lot of emphasis these days to think outside the box and to not color within the lines. Here's my recommendation: With your coloring books take creative liberty, with your boxes, stand upon them while pondering wondrous things. But on the road please drive within those white striped dotted line thingies. There should be one on either side of you.

2. Your car may make you feel like its just you and the road, but I'm here too: Ever played Mario Brothers as he flees mushrooms and green turtles? Say hi to Maria (minus the cool Nintendo soundtrack) as people shift lanes without signaling, merge without checking, and so on until you get the feeling they're the green turtles in Mario 1, 2, and 3 with the sole mission to take you out. Unlike Mario blessed with three of them, this chica only got one life minus flower power!

3. Cell Phones: Most other peeves can be linked to this culprit. Studies show people driving with cell phones as bad as drunk drivers. My city is full of drunk drivers of the cell phone variety. Without fail those who weave through traffic as though knitting an imaginary quilt and they its needle, are on a phone. I dont know if headsets are safer but if you want to drive while chatting (which I dont blame you in our messy traffic) how about a blue tooth or other hands free thingie? Both hands on the wheels surely is a good idea? Unless you're talking about your brand new book deal or how you saw a penguin speak Yiddish for the first time..... I really have no patience for you driving and giggling as you swerve in and out of traffic one hand on the wheel, putting my life in jeopardy.

4. The Car is not your closet: I have seen people on the highway, THE HIGHWAY, changing their clothes, struggling with stockings, applying mascara, clipping their nails WHILE eating sandwiches, all while driving over 80 miles per hour! I suppose in many ways a car is like a closet what with the wall like structure enclosed around you and such, but here's a key difference: Unlike (most) closets, there are windows in a car so I can see you, and unlike (most) closets, cars ARE MOVING!!

5. Novels, magazines, newspapers, and other fine literature are best read in bed or other non moving positions: Moby Dick albeit absorbing, is better left at your nightstand. Word to the wise: If your eyes are on the words in the book, they're not on the road you are travelling on.

6. 4 way stop sign drama. My neighborhood is apparently filled with extremely polite drivers who don't wish to be the first to go. I will often be the last one to arrive at our four way suaree and yet no one moves. In an effort to be neighborly I usually fight off my intense grumpiness due to caffeine deprivation and cheerfully wave "no no, go ahead" to which they return the smile and wave back urging someone else to go instead. The first two times it was incredibly cute... three years later... not so much. The worst? When you decide to go and nudge your car forward just a tad as the other three all do the same at the same time which prompts everyone to quickly jerk their car backs and then start the process all over again.

7. Yellow Light Hesitators: Stop. Or go. Make a choice. Inevitably I'll be driving with the car ahead of me zooming merrily along. We approach a green light barely turning yellow. The car could go, or the car could stay, either would be okay at this point. Yet it drives and drives and then at the last minute slams the brakes so you have to slam YOUR brakes hoping not to hit it or get hit by the other cars driving behind you.

8. Traveling Disco Cars: Ever drive around the city at night to suddenly see two cars next to you each with bright pink, blue and yellow lights positioned all over the car? Glowing disco cars. It's not as distracting as it is frightening for sometimes you wonder if a cop with a flair for color is trailing you. Is that legal?

9. You parked there, you don't own it. Its a busy day, you find a guy walking to his car, his parking space is closest to the store. Eagerly you allow enough distance for him to leave and put the blinker on. You wait. And wait. And wait. Nothing. If you have seven children to buckle in I understand. I can be patient. But five minutes to back out of a parking space as a single guy with no bags? Seriously? I know you're parked there, but you don't pay rent there. Get in, get out.

10. Rubber Neckers: My city is absolutely befuddling in this aspect. I mean, we will slow down to watch a guy on the side of the road talk on his cell phone. We will screech to a halt if we see a cop giving a ticket on the other side of the road. Traffic here is congested half the time not because there is something in the road, but because we all have to stop and stare at what is happening on the side of the road. Voyeurism. it explains why Reality TV is so very popular. A friend once said never to look at a traffic accident as you drive because you might see something you'll never be able to erase from your mind's eye. Don't be a voyeur, keep on truckin!

Disclaimer: If you fit any of these criterion and feel a strange desire to blush or send me angry hate mail, before you do, please know its all in good fun. I've probably violated some of these peeves myself from time to time (though I assure you I have never struggled with stockings while behind the wheel). So please- don't be offended. As Nacho from Nacho Libre says so eloquently, "Sometimes I wear stretchy pants-Its for fun!" Sometimes when studying for exams I vent about peeves, Its for fun! No offense intended.