Hello. And Sorry.

Hello all: Blog. Bloggie Friends. Friends in general and family in particular. Its me. Aisha. I know I have been MIA for a while. Some of you have contacted me wondering if Im OK. Some once discovering I am indeed OK with all ten fingers and toes, wonder WHERE ARE YOU? I am here. And I am OK. I'm just tired. Very tired. I guess it began with the bar exam. And then traveling after the bar exam (which though fun is not 100% relaxing). And then starting work (five days a week 9-10 hours a day is a new concept for me) And Ramadan. And trying to, you know, find time to eat, bathe, iron my clothes, say hi to the guy who lives with me, and maybe perchance sleep for a few hours in between.

Aisha, the rest of the world goes to work, you're not the only one who fasts, and all these people manage to fit in the other necessities of life without dropping off the face of the earth. I actually didn't know this was a growing sentiment until today when I got an email from my best friend who said plainly and bluntly that this would be her last attempt to contact me and then she would officially give up on a friendship that spanned 15 years. Her email concluded I guess you think you're too good for me now that you're a lawyer. Ouch. I felt like a biker on a swiss alp trying to picture a finish line and suddenly being smacked by a brick wall that popped out of absolute nowhere.

I don't think I'm better than anyone. On the contrary, I'm obviously not better than the rest of the world who manages to keep in touch and balance the rest of it too. To those whose emails i have not yet responded to, the phone calls I promised to return, to those wondering where my blogging self has been, and to those sensing my general aloofness as of late: I am so sorry. Its just that between work, home, sleep, and dealing with a particular tragedy that affected a dear friend, I just can't seem to find enough time in the day (though I agree that God gave each of us 24 hours a day and some of us manage to fit it all in)

But I don't feel hopeless. My little brother reminded me when I began teaching I felt similar to what I feel now. I remember flinging myself upon the sofa, my second day of teaching, tears forming and lip trembling. I remember telling my family I was done. That there was no way I could go back to that classroom again. I remember feeling overwhelmed and totally out of my element. But anyone whose been reading this long enough, or knows me well enough knows that teaching was a career I valued greatly, and I didn't lose touch with all of y'all while doing so. So I don't feel hopeless. I know soon a routine and resulting sense of order will develop. Soon I hope to be blogging (regularly) again, writing my novel again, sleeping again, and most of all getting back in touch with all my dear friends and family members again. I don't know how soon but please remember I don't mean to be ignoring you. I do care about all of you. Please, be patient with me while I work the kinks out.

Used to be

Today was my first day of work. I wore a crisp white shirt and dark black suit with a strand of pearls around my neck. Three years of law school, numerous legal internships, and a whirlwind application/interview process lead me here today.. An almost-lawyer ready to fight for truth and justice.

And yet- this morning as I sat waiting for the lady in human resources to process me I noticed a picture of her daughter in a bright blue dress grinning at me with a toothless smile. "Is this from school?" I asked. She nodded. "My school used that background as well" I said smiling. My supervisor ,who walked in as I said this, smiled at me "That is who used to be. You wear a different mantle now."

Used to be? It's strange to comprehend that I used to be a teacher and that I no longer am. For so many years teaching defined who I was, woven inextricably to my very person as natural as breathing. Though three years of grueling graduate work was done with the intention to be where I am today, somehow actually shedding my old skin and embracing the new seems to be more bitter sweet than anticipated. Somehow I can't escape the memory of Demba's beautiful smile as he learned to read before my eyes. Somehow talking to teacher friends about lesson plans and learning centers still brings me joy.

And yet I've left the world of red apples and Roald Dahl stories and traded it in for fast paced lunch meetings and trial calenders. Though I hope I will make a broader impact for children through this avenue, and hopefully this new career will be rewarding and meaningful its scary to say goodbye to a career I knew I loved and excelled in. Will I be good at what I do? Will I succeed? Was I really meant to be a lawyer? Was I really meant to be a "used to be teacher"? Was this leap of faith into a whole new world worth the deep sense of loss I feel today as I begin a new journey into completely unchartered territory?

I hope so.

And I'm NOT making this up!

Customer Service is going down the toilet, no controversy there. But is it getting increasingly bizzare as well? This is an "I kid you not" conversation between me and the head of the circulation department of my local paper, Bob.

Me: Hi, I get your paper daily. I never subscribed. I need to cancel it. I've called three times before to unsubscribe. Now I'm getting violation notices from my subdivision when they pile up when I'm out of town. Please make it stop.
Bob: *typing* Yes, Aisha? The computer has you listed as unsubscribed.
Me: But I still get the paper.
Bob: Well we can't guarantee that it will stop.
Me: Isn't it your newspaper?
Bob: Yes
Me: So shouldn't you be able to make it stop?
Bob: We will try but we cant promise.
Me: Soooo this is your newspaper?
Bob: Yes
Me: Produced, published, printed, delivered by you?
Bob: Yes
Me: But you can't guarantee that you can make it stop?
Bob: Exactly
Me: So I will continue getting newspapers against my will?
Bob: You might.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. *sigh*