Tuesday, September 14, 2010

His tears

Everyone has secret fears about parenthood. I was terrified of what would happen when my child cried. The screaming-at-the-top-of-the-lung cries that cut straight like a knife into your heart. I worried I would be unable to console him. That I would make it worse by my attempts to soothe. And even more secret: I was worried I would lose my patience with him or grow upset with him.

When Waleed cries he cries with his entire being, literally. His eyes shut tight, his nose wrinkles, his mouth turns downward, his face flushes, his legs kick up, his arms kick out and he screams. And he knows how to work those tear ducts with wet droplets clinging to his little lashes.

Sometimes when he cries, I get scared. I get worried. I get sad. And yes sometimes I have to really take a deep breath, whisper serenity now, and muster all the patience in every ounce of my being.

But in a weird way, I'm touched by his tears.  This small little being who weighs barely 15 pounds cries as though there is no doubt that someone will do something to help ease what aches his heart. So much trust. We are only our truest selves with those we love most deeply even though sadly sometimes this ease of familiarity can also hurt those we love too. He loves me so much he doesn't care how or how long he screams. He trusts that I will take care of him, provide for him, and find a way to take away the hurt behind the tears. That's the kind of trust I could never betray.

And while two-hundred people on an airplane might not feel so zen-like about my son's tears. I am honored that he trusts me. That he loves me. That I might somehow take those tears away.

**in unrelated news, the brass crescent awards are up again. I don't usually post about it, but its nice to support our fellow bloggers, so if you love reading blogs check it out and partake in the nominations!"

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

:)

katery said...

sometimes when louise cries i can't help but laugh,i feel bad, but the faces she makes while crying are so freaking adorable that it's impossible not smile.
we need a new waleed picture soon!!

Anonymous said...

love it!

cindy said...

Such a beautiful post. I talked last week to my daughter-in-law about her fears around getting pregnant...I wish I could send her this post, because it expresses what I couldn't about why having a child is the best experience ever. Even with the fears.

Tracy said...

Such a tender look at the type of moment in motherhood that often completely unraveled me.

It's all about perspective. Hope you've had a safe, if not quiet, flight ;)

Aisha said...

Thanks anons :)

Katery! LOL Have you posted apic of her crying yet? I want to see! And do you have facebook? I have a profile for W I would love to add you as his friend so you can keep up with his pics!! :)

Cindy- so glad this meant something to you. Please share this with your DIL if it would help allay her fears. I'd say that there are fears about all big changes in life, marriage, job changes, moves etc, but its the big things that are what life is all about.

Tracy, aww glad you liked it! :)

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