Friday, December 17, 2010

Threadbare

Four o'clock in the morning. Every night for the past three nights. Screaming. Thrashing. Inconsolable. I rock, I sing, I nurse, until peace returns. Its been okay because he's been so good during the days. Cooing, laughing, crawling without complaint. This ebb and flow of his moods between night and day help me steady the fort for the difficult night to come. Until today. Today it flooded. He cried all night. He cried all day. I feel threadbare.

It's not the cries themselves. It's not the eyes wet with tears, his tomato-red face, his mouth wide-open crying with everything he is. Its the way he looks at me. The way he gasps between tears once he knows I am there and flings himself into me regardless of who is holding him. He doesn't want me, he needs me. And his need is raw. No thank you. No sorry to disturb. He believes my comforting arms are his birthright. He is right.

Its this need that leaves me threadbare. No one has ever needed me this way. And when I hold him I know he thinks I will make it all okay. And I can't because I don't know what's wrong so K and I take turns, soothing and rocking, tyelenoling and zantacing and wishing for a magic cure. I'll be going to the pediatrician tomorrow. She suspects an ear infection. We wonder, teething? He chews on everything breaking apples in half with his jaw, and drools through outfits, but this is nothing new- has been going on for months.

I remember when I first got married. K's mother asked him the day after our wedding you happy? I found the question odd but I get it now. There is nothing- and I mean nothing more I want than to see him happy and the intensity of his baby-needs scrapes my soul raw. I am threadbare. but thankful.

30 comments:

sprogblogger said...

Oh poor little guy! Hope the pedi has an idea to help him, because that truly sounds miserable for you both. Heartbreakingly beautiful post, Aisha. W's going to love reading this someday.

E said...

Aww, sounds like maybe an ear infection or teething (like you said, lol).

Viktor has been having sleeping issues as well. He has been sleeping through the night since he was 3 weeks old and now he is getting up 3 times a night wanting to eat but will only eat 2-3 ounces at a time. I think his teeth are bugging him. Sometimes I have to get up and rock him too. And now he is refusing to eat his baby food. He won't eat any of it.

Anonymous said...

I adore the sincerity with which you write. Just makes it all so real and so worth it.
W: Cheer up baby! (your self proclaimed khala :))
All the best, always.
A.

Simeen Alikhan said...

Hang in there Aisha! I hope Waleed feels better soon and that your relief follows soon behind :)

Anonymous said...

Aw poor kid! Hope the appointment goes ok.

Fruitful Fusion said...

Poor thing! It is a difficult job but yes, the most beautiful of all! Hope little Waleed is feeling better soon!

Aisha said...

Thank you so much you guys- it was nice to log in and see your warm words of encouragement! :) No ear infection (though it took three people to hold this kid down to check- he does NOT like people touching his ears or nose). Doc thinks its a slight cold + teething = cranky baby. I will have SUCH FUN on my flight tomorrow! lol Thanks again for your comments- they felt like virtual hugs (as always)

mystic-soul said...

He will be fine. Trust me! I will not be surprise if it turns out to be ear infection. Please update here how he feels. My prayers.

kmina said...

Darn blogspot, it did not publish my comment y-day.
I hope this is just a phase that goes away soon. Or the mildest of colds.
And I understand you perfectly, both feelings of threadbare and content. They may seem contradictory, but they are certainly not.

Aisha said...

The doctor cleared it as not an ear infection- but last night he was up all night again crying and fidgeting. I am not so thoughtful or insightful on the matter now after 48 hours of sleeplessness and a flight solo with him to a place that I will be w/out K or my mom. SIGH.

iamstacey said...

Poor baby boy! I hope the pediatrician knows just what to do!

'Murgdan' said...

No words of wisdom...just right here with you. We should really get together and commiserate some time, preferably over some caffiene. ;-) Up all night, every hour last night. Two top teeth peeking out now, and hoping this teething madness will be over soon (until the next pair start their trip down!).

pilgrimchick said...

What an experience--you must need a great deal of inner strength.

Whitney said...

Hope the sleepless nights don't last too long!





PS. I've just discovered you via IComLeavWe and I love your writing! It's all so beautiful, even the simplest entries, and you definitely have a new follower.

Annette said...

This is a beautifully written post. I don't know what else to say.

... visiting from ICLW

Miss Ruby said...

I can't relate at all but a lovely post all the same...


~Happy ICLW~
#14 http://themissruby.blogspot.com/

~May your Christmas be filled with Peace~
~And your New Year with Hope~

amoment2think said...

I totally understand where you are coming from on the 'need' and how draining that is. I love my daughter to pieces (she is 21 months), but she is also exhausting.

This post is beautifully written.

Hang in there- it does get easier as they get older. I mean, not parenting, I doubt that ever gets easier- but this particular part of parenting does get better.

ICLW #28

MoonNStarMommy said...

I hope things got better and that he isn't so fussy anymore. I have been there .... totally 100% and feel your pain... and just the fact that you are thankful to have the opportunity to have them screaming and fussy is a big thing.

Happy ICLW from #37 and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

astridadeline said...

beautiful words:)

Sarah S said...

Poor little monkey, I hope he is feeling better soon!!!

Happy ICLW
#50

Randi said...

Here from ICLW :) Wow - really touching post. I hope your son's issue gets resolved and you can all breathe a little easier. I think that perhaps one of the coolest things about babies is how quickly they change. Just when we think there is a pattern or routine they're sticking to, they go ahead and change. Best wishes to you and your family.

Calmly Chaotic said...

Oh that sounds awful! I really hope your doctor is able to find out what is wrong. I can't even imagine. Best wishes to you! Happy ICLW!

Tiara said...

Aw...I hope your little guy gets better soon & you all can get some much needed sleep.

Happy ICLW.

Rochelle said...

I agree, just so beautifully written. I hope you found the answers needed to calm that sweet boy. Your strength and love shines through in this post. Wishing you a great weekend full of love and joy from ICLW #110!

Lisa Marsh said...

Your recognition of Waleed's need, for you, brought me right back to when my children called me Mama and didn't want anyone else but me. It was fulfilling and draining at the same time. Now they are older, and sometimes would prefer to nurse their pain themselves, whether physical or emotional, I think about how they once turned to me and feel sad for those days that are gone. It's a double-edged sword; you want them to grow up and spread their wings, be self-sufficient and strong, but you want to still mother them and have them retain that trust they once had that you could make it all better. It's such a brief time; savour it.

Meanwhile, I hope that he is feeling better and you are feeling less torn apart.

Lisa (ICLW - Your Great Life)

katery said...

aisha, i LOVE your writing, i hope i get to read a whole book someday.

Lynn said...

So sorry he's (and you) having such a tough time! I hope things are some better now. It can't be easy for either of you - him feeling poorly and you being unable to "fix it" or rest yourself. Thinking of you!

ICLW #92

jjiraffe said...

Here from ICLW, this is a beautiful post. My daughter had acid reflux and we had some really rough nights. I remember feeling this way. I hope your son starts feeling better soon...

awomanmyage said...

I wish I knew what was up with him... I can't imagine how it must tear at your heart and your mind. The kind of fatigue you are experiencing has a way of really grinding you down. Please ask for help so you can get some rest.

Aisha said...

Thanks everyone! Your comments and support mean the world :)

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