Thoughts on motherhood so far

Moms groups. Parent listservs. Parent signature required. All reminders that I'm a mother. Just today K said to me, Can you believe it? You're a mom!

Mother? Me? 

I'm not surprised the word makes me marvel. Labels like this always do. I've been married eight years but still don't feel like a wife. At least not the way I imagine the label in my head.

Wife: Apron and high heels. Lipstick and painted nails. Baking cookies and hosting fabulous dinner parties with food on toothpicks. [While I do admittedly bake the occasional cookie, this is decidedly not me]

Mother: Sleep schedules listed on the fridge, developmentally appropriate toys. Lullabies sung while frolicking through the house. [Lullabies, yes. Frolicking, no. And as for developmentally appropriate toys- does a helium balloon count?]

I guess I thought mothers know it all. They don't wing it. They know because they just do. And here's a secret: I read all the parenting books, I analyze different schools of thoughts on sleep schedules and feeding times but really? I'm just learning as I go and half the time I wonder if I'm doing it right at all. 

But when I'm standing in front of ten different diaper brands trying to figure out which one is just right, or examining the particular shade that is his poo, it sometimes hits me- a quiet thrill: I'm his mother. And I know that though I may not be the frolicking type I am a mother nonetheless. And I love him in a fierce sort of way. When I see a bear charging out of the woods to protect her cub on TV- I totally get it now. Because this love goes beyond logic and understanding- it is embedded inside a deeper part of me. And maybe that is all a mother needs. I hope one day when he's all grown up and reflects back on me, that he will pardon what I lacked and think that on the whole I was a good mom indeed.

101 things to do in 1001 days

If you've been reading this blog for any period of time you know I love lists. I've done 108 goals in 2008, 109 goals in 2009, and I've even done this very list, 101 things to do in 1001 days several years back as well. In our hectic world you can end up so caught up in the day-to-day making it easy to not have a chance to think about you and your goals and the small things that bring joy to your life. For that reason, the things in my list are things I want to do, not necessarily things I have to do. The things I have to do will get done while the other things, the things that make life full of rich pigments are the ones in danger of taking a back seat- hence this list [and yes- replacing that darn bathroom light will enhance my life!] As always I'll update on my blog from time to time on the progress of this list and the list itself is listed on a separate page here. If you decide to participate too, please let me know, would love to follow along. So without further ado:

1. Frame my degrees: They are just sitting around gathering dust and considering the fact that lately my life consists of poopy diapers and sleep schedules it might be nice to frame them, just to remember, that once upon a time I done did degrees. [But this whole being a SAHM? Wouldn’t have it any other way!]
2. Write my second novel: I’m amazed that I have a second novel in line to write but I credit this goal making list with some of the motivation and resolve to complete the first one and persevere enough to get an agent. The second novel is already brewing in my head but I’m trying to . . .
3. Finish the revisions of the first novel and see it through to its bitter or delightful end: I thought once I got an agent, particularly an agent at such a reputable agency, I merely had to count the days until my book hit the shelves. I’ve since learned its not quite so easy. I am currently in the midst of my umpteenth revision but its hard to get focused when you’re so tired of the story because you’ve looked at for so many years. Updated: here.
4. Take an international Vacation: If we could somehow make it to Peru it would be mighty cool.
5. Visit Hawaii: I’m hoping we’ll take more than one vacation in 1,001 days so I’m going to just put it out there and hope somehow someway we will get to see this beautiful place again, insh’Allah.
6. See Baraka: So lucky to know her, and though we always talk about visiting, I’m hoping that with this on my list it will inspire to make sure it happens. Hope its sooner on the 1001 days than later!
7. Finish my 50 book 2011 challenge: Last year I read 100 books in a year. This year my goal was 50 because 100 books makes you rush too fast in my opinion and shy away from books that are too lengthy. So far I’m at a measly ten books and its already July but I’m hoping to pick up the pace and reach my goal by year’s end. Updated: Didn't happen but am retrying in 2011!
8. Lose the baby weight.
9. And then some.
10. Finish getting Waleed’s bedroom ready. ‘twas going to be a monkey themed room but he’s been getting so many disney themed gifts thanks to his Mamu Aamir that I’m considering changing it up.
11. Cabin Trip. Its been entirely too long since our last one. Preferably a trip in the fall at a cabin with an outdoor fireplace.
12. Get a hair cut. It’s been over a year. I used to go to one in Orlando. Whenever I visited I swung by and got my a haircut but that salon- kaput. Now I must venture into my own city and figure out a place to get my locks snipped for an affordable price.
13. Attend Aamina’s wedding: Doesn’t need to be on the list since I’ll obviously do it, but I figured an easy one should be included too :)
14. See “The Wire”: It’s highly acclaimed and loved by many and I need to just get cracking on it. I’m in the mood to like a new show.
15. Learn to make roti: My mom makes it best. I always told K I’d start making it once we had kids but otherwise it was too messy to be worth the hassle. Well I done gone and have a baby now so I guess its time to learn the timeless art of rotiness.
16. Buy black sandals:  Sad that I need to put this on a list but I’m just not a big shopper.
17. Stop biting my nails: again.
18. Get a nose ring
19.  Donate Things. I feel lighter after I donate. Good for others. Good for self.
20. Donate Money. Ditto.
21.  Get a professional family portrait. 
22. Hike. I love hiking even though I’m really bad at it.
23. See the ocean. Because it purty
24. See the mountains. Because they purty too
25. Visit Miami. Aamir. Ali. Natasha. Lebron James. 
26. Play Poker. Loser changes a diaper!
27. Get a collection of kids shows in Urdu
28. Learn to make ten new dishes/desserts: Chicken Satay, Red Coconut Thai Curry, Chinese Beef and Peppers,
29. Paint my toenails
30. Buy new yellow plates for the Baker’s rack. The ones we have are sentimental since a dear friend left them with us before he moved. But, they’re getting chipped. They need to go. 
31. Limit internet to one hour a day for one week. 
32. Grow mint. It’s in the soil- but will it grow?
33. And Sunflowers. Because they mean so much to me.
34. Grill corn. Or rather eat grilled corn. K can grill.
35. Update my resume. 
36. Review ten restaurants/hotels on sites like yelp, tripadvisor. I rely on these sites for information on good eats and stays so likewise the favor should be returned.
37. Eat some fancy chocolate. I always tend to save fancy chocolate when given as a gift and then they go bad. Recently someone brought my parents a big box of Godiva. I watched as they unwrapped it and between all of us, it was eaten in days. And enjoyed. A good lesson for me. So bring me fancy chocolate. I shall eat it :) 
38. Take a swim. Preferably in the ocean.
39. Draw a design and frame it. Because I love to draw and dont do it enough.
40. Write Waleed a monthly letter
41. At the end of the year put it into a book via lulu
42. Go through my blog archives and put all my favorites into a book on lulu too
43. Write poems at least ten
44. Write a short story. Even if it sucks.
45. Get a physical
46. Make prints of Waleed’s pictures for a “real album”
47. Make prints of the Hawaii trip and make a “real album”
48. Make prints of the Spain trip and make a “real album”
49. Get the wire for my external hard drive and
50. Back everything up
51. Make a Thanksgiving dinner. Even if for reasons beyond our control, it can’t actually be on Thanksgiving. I love Turkey.
52. Figure out the Moby Wrap. Updated here
53. Get a Toy Chest of sorts. Because his stuff, its piling up!
54. Spend my Borders gift cards. Three years and counting of unused gift cards. Ridiculous.
55. Take a bubble bath
56. Wear the Powell’s shirt
57. Take a bike ride. Even if its in my neighborhood.
58. Have a picnic. By a lake. With a frisbee.
59. Make my bed every day for a week. Because it feels good.
60. Have the kitchen/family room sparkling before bed for a week
61. Eat a pomegranate. In a bowl. 
62. Go to the Farmer’s market and try a fruit or vegetable I never tried before.
63. Video chat
64. Get a new breakfast table
65. Get a dental cleaning
66. Get my eyes checked again
67. Write a Children’s book for Waleed
68. Do five writing exercises from Writer’s Digest
69. Re-read the Harry Potter series
70. Re-read House on 443 series (Alex McCall Smith)
71. Read ten classics
72. Write to my congress person on an issue 
73. Write to a media station ten times for positive articles
74. Participate in Nanowrimo
75. Participate in NanoBloMo
76. Home improve something
77. Write into my journal five beautiful things daily for one month
78. Write into my one sentence journal daily for one month
79. Buy more Sharpie pens
80. Learn five new surahs and their meaning
81. Finish the Quran front-to-back again
82. Get a manicure
83. Eat fruit chaat desi style
84. Put all my spices in nice spice jars
85. Visit Charleston
86. Visit St. Augustine
87. See a waterfall
88. Try a new local restaurant
89. “Adopt” a child. There are lots of places you can sponsor a child. If you’re interested in a US based one, e-mail me. I haven’t done it yet but I’ve heard good things about it. 
90. Make a will. Not looking forward to this.
91. Keep my Mac alive and well until 1001 days. I tend to make electronic things go kaput so here’s hoping!
92. Get grass in our backyard. Because there is none, and little boys deserve space to play.
93. Paint something in my house. I don’t know why I’m terrified of painting my house. I’ve painted a room for Habitat for Humanity so I know it can be done, but I just don’t do it in my own house. 
94. Actually clean everything in my ‘to do’ list. This will sound weird, but I always forget ONE thing. And even though I eventually get to it, the list itself never gets fully knocked off. 
95. And then make a cleaning schedule. Because hopefully that will help me stay organized and not make excuses to mop instead of write. 
96. Change the light in the bedroom. Sad this has to be on a list but its been three years and still remains undone.
97. Buy/Have fresh flowers at least five times. They brighten the house .
98. Get a fancy schmancy camera. 
99.  And learn all its fancy schmancy features.
100. Participate in the 365 Project for Waleed. I’m super excited about the 365 project. I already take a picture every day of Waleed but this way I’ll document his day in this way. 
101. Participate in the 365 Project for me I think its important to have a separate one for me because its easy to lose yourself in a child and forget who you are. 

Next up, a list I've been compiling for some time, 101 things to do with my child . . . 

Baby Clothes

As I put away my son's newborn clothes, I find myself feeling two conflicting emotions: The desire to watch him grow up and celebrate every milestone; and the tears that he will never fit into these tiny little clothes again. The path of motherhood seems filled with such paradoxes every step of the way.

Moments

The fan is spinning at a steady hum. The room is dim and cool despite the blistering heat outside. I'm lying on the sofa, eyes half closed while my son dozes in the swing across from me. I don't know if I've ever experienced a more perfect moment before.

Three Beautiful Things Thursday

1. The new blogger layouts. Seriously, they were so boring before I considered moving over to wordpress since they had much crisper layouts, etc, but wow has blogger brought up their game. They have dozens upon dozens of new layouts and formats so I won't be surprised if the look of this blog changes quite regularly. Sometimes I think about moving over to my own domain but I'm just not computer savvy enough to consider the switch. Speaking of computer savvy, how do you shrink the banner so it doesn't take over half the page? I can't seem to figure out how to do this.

2. Cherries. I have frequently lauded the beauty of many a fruit but cherries has not made it to my 3bt before. Lately they're on sale and they are absolutely delicious. I've primarily stuck to black cherries but recently I tried Rainier cherries and they are absolutely amazing though pricey [$1 per cherry in Japan!] Even better, unlike watermelons which are also amazing, they are very very low calorie so you can eat to your heart's content. Nature's candy indeed.

3. My mom. I think I always appreciated her but the appreciation reaches new heights now that I am a parent. And not just because I get what it takes to be a parent, but because of the help and support she has given me these past 11 weeks. I could part with my life savings and steal the moon for her and this would still not be enough repayment for all that she has done for me. I'm going back home soon and I get teary because I know how much I will miss her and our morning chai conversations. But I am thankful. Alhamdullilah.

New Look***

If you clicked on my blog in the past ten minutes you probably saw a whole assortment of different looks. It's been at least three years since I changed the look of this blog so thought that maybe its time to try a new look. Still fiddling around with it. Whaddayathink?

**edited to add: Sorry, will be changing it now and then as I tinker with new settings and take in feedback. :) Still a work in progress!

How To Entertain A Newborn

Purchase a $59 play gym, complete with lights and spinning objects if possible.

or. . . Purchase a balloon. Yes, one balloon.

They say it doesn't take much to entertain a child. Buy a toy and the baby will play with the box. Today as I watched beta giggle and chat up said balloon for approximately 45 minutes I realized a) how true this addage was and b) I better start saving egg cartons and empty boxes for the future entertainment to come!

How To Travel With A Newborn

1) Bring copious amounts of pacifiers. Seriously, stock up. Never know where they'll spit it out and you'd hate to be without it when they most need it.
2) Nursing covers at least two
3) Or bottles, maybe twelve, for take off and landing
4) Board books incase child needs distraction of the visual sort
5) And rattles if that fails to interest
6) Parenting books dog eared to "traveling with newborns"

Watch as people request seats not next to you. Feel hurt that they find you so unlikeable. Realize its because you are with a baby who holds within him the potential to reach untold decibels in a closed space. Settle down nervously waiting to discover said baby's lung capacity and then proceed to watch as he sleeps the entire duration of the flight take off to touch down and all the way home.

He makes it look so easy but I'm convinced that when ultra-prepared for worst-case scenarios Murphy's Law works in reverse.

Happy Two Month Birthday

Dear Waleed,

Today you are two months old. The differences between you today and just four weeks earlier astound me. Its been a busy month. You met aunts, cousins, and grandparents and future friends. Your favorite way to interact is to lie flat on a playmat and kick your hands and wiggle your legs while chatting up a storm with us. You also discovered your hands this month though you do not seem yet aware that they are yours.

This is the month of your smile. It blows me away every single time because it is so pure and innocent and without guile. Your smile immobilizes me. It erases the sleep from my eyes. It is daffodils and marigolds. Your smile makes the world brighter.

You rolled over this month! You stared at us with a triumphant grin each time. We took tons of video and then suddenly just a few days ago you stopped. You lift your head up now and start grunting as you seem to want to crawl forward. On to bigger and better already baby?

You also made your first friend, the dining room chandelier. When we lay you down on your changing area [formerly known as the dining room table] you stare at Chandy and hold lengthy conversations. What they are about we can only imagine, peace in the middle east? the world cup? I think we could leave you there all day and you would be perfectly content. I'm kidding ofcourse. Chandy is great but your true BFF is your nani. You both can sit together and chat and laugh for hours. Everything you do certifies you as the next Einsten in her book, she is so proud of you. Jub bacha atha hain sub rishtay badal jathain hain. [When a child comes all relationships alter] You have made me a mother, my brothers into uncles, and my parents grandparents. Seeing them enjoy you is a joy I had not fully appreciated until now. You have no idea little one how many people lov.e you.

I hold you, kiss you and cuddle you as much as my heart desires. Some say it creates a habit where the child always wants to be held. Always? Will you want me to hold you and kiss your fingers and toes ten years from now? Even a year from now? Doubtful. So I let myself take in your sweet baby smell and cuddle that sweet soft baby skin. This newborn time is a precious time, it will be gone within a blink of an eye.

Your legs used to stay curled in fetal position despite the open space around you. I joked that you thought yourself still inside me. But just today I see your legs no longer curl, they stretch into space you now realize you have. I was surprised by my reaction to this development: tears. Children grow up and we wonder where the time went, or how they grew up so fast, I look at your legs that now straighten instead of fold and I realize it happens subtle moment by subtle moment. You will always be a part of me but bit by bit the distance between us begins to stretch.

Grow up baby, but don't grow up too fast.

Love,
Your Mama

Redefining Luxury

Luxury pre-baby: steak dinners, spa pedicures

Luxury post-baby: Six consecutive hours of sleep.

Hallelujah! So excited I could throw a ticker tape parade!