Our local preschool lottery is coming up this Friday. I'm getting the paperwork together. I've ordered the medical records. I'm doing it because I don't want to rule anything out. Because I want to do what's best for my son and explore all options.
But each day the lottery date inches forward, my heart tugs a little bit more. It's gotten so it's hard to ignore what those tugs are trying to tell me. It's gotten so it's making me listen to what my heart really wants to say: what I've always dreamed of doing from the moment I learned I would be blessed with my son, and that was spending preschool not in a school, but together learning about the world hand-in-hand.
I want to categorize big, bigger, and biggest from the bugs we spot on our nature trail, and our purples from our blues from the flowers along the way.
I want to read about cows, sheep, helicopters, and trains, and I want to watch those trains from above a bridge, our feet trembling from its vibrations as it rumbles below.
I want to hike by streams. Read letters on graffiti-ed walls. And count the squirrels looking down at us from the pine trees.
Today, after an all-too-short visit by my parents, we dropped them off at the train station. My son watched them walk away, and he turned to me, his eyes welling with tears and asked me mama, why does loving people sometimes hurt? I may not be able to answer everything he wonders but I can't get enough of these questions. I want to unravel as many as we can this year, exploring and learning together. And yes, truly together. Because while I will teach him his letters and numbers, he has been and will teach me so much more. Ultimately, this time, this coming year-- it's brief. This time is special. And honestly? It's what I've always dreamed of doing. I want to make the most of it and soak it in because as it's been so far on this parenting journey, I'm sure I'll just have to blink and it will already be behind me.
There are as many ways to be a good parent as there are stars in the sky, there is no absolute right for anyone, but for me, while we'll check out the preschools, and weigh our options, I think the answer for my family will be homeschooling this preschool year of his life.